17 weeks later

I haven't been much into writing about my internship, which has surprised me. Maybe it's because there are so many complicated situations and dynamics, and that it's just intense overall.

I'm loving it and learning a ton, and really feel like I'm finding a deeper niche for where my contributions can lie. But it's hard. This week we had 3 patients from the music therapy case load pass away.

The first was a little guy, about a year and a half, I'd only seen twice. I sang him to sleep in the PICU after he came out of a surgery. At the time I showed up his nurse was doing his cares and his heart rate was raising. He responded so well to the singing and gentle touch. There was an obvious decrease in his heart rate, and he quickly calmed and fell asleep. I feel good knowing that in that moment, my presence improved his quality of life.

The next was a patient I only met once while I observed a session my supervisor did. She came in after a surgery went bad at a hospital out of state, leaving her paralyzed from the cheekbones down. She was cognitively there though, and could communicate through blinking her eyes. Her parents had to make what must be the most difficult decision anyone could be called on to make, and her support was withdrawn.

Then we lost a patient we'd been working with since I got here. I remember doing a session with her right before she was cleared to go home because her condition had improved so much, and that was such a great session. A few days later she was back though, and I saw her again, more swollen than ever. She was so sick, but she engaged when I sang her favorite song about hiding the car keys. Her condition steadily declined and for the past 3 weeks or so she has been on life support. She died on Wednesday, and we were in the room right before they took her off the machines. It was amazing to work with this family and see how they dealt with this loss. Earlier we had done a family session and helped the siblings write a song about the things they love about her, and we all sang that together to her in that last visit right before she died. Difficult yes, but so glad we were there.

It's been a sad week, but also a very rich week. I'm learning so much from the kids here, as well as their families, mostly about the importance of not getting so caught up in the daily tasks of living that we forget to really live.